Life Lessons All Over the Place

So, 2010 has thus far been full of life lessons. Being a generous person, I am going to share some of them with you. Being a tired person, I'm only going to give you one right now.

Lesson 1: If you have to ask... you probably know the answer. Often the truth is painful and we let ourselves get blinded by false optimism. Instead, we need to recognize that the very existence of those questions and concerns is often a big indicator that something is amiss. Questions in this category include:
"Do you think he might be gay?"
Yes. He is. He's not playing hard to get. He's not "just really shy." Time to move on.
"Is this friendship worth reviving?"
No. Some friendships have a clear expiration date and trying to continue them beyond that time is likely to leave a sour taste in your mouth pretty similar to that of expired dairy products.
"Should I get bangs?"
No. Well, maybe you should, but I have curly hair and there's no way I'm waking up early every day to straighten those things. So... that's a yes if you're Zooey Deschanel* and no if you're a curly haired girl like me.
"Is my cat the cutest cat in the world?"
If it's me asking the question about my cat Violet**, yes, yes, a million times yes.

*Zooey Deschanel is a professional bang-wearer. Proceed with caution when attempting bangs.

**Violet is the cutest cat in the world. Anyone who says otherwise is delusional and just plain wrong.

 

Friendship lessons (and possibly some mixed metaphors)

For the past few years, I have been involved in a precarious friendship. I say this because there were always warning bells going off in my brain. Don't say that. Don't do that. You couldn't possibly mention that! I shrugged off my mother's warnings that any friendship that could be so easily thrown off course was probably not very strong. Instead I continued to walk on eggshells--at least when it came to certain subjects--and it all seemed to work out okay.

Now, as I go through a difficult period of unemployment, I am realizing that friendships are not supposed to be fragile little flowers. They need to be able to withstand some heavy rains, maybe even the occasional snowstorm. Great friends are more like trees than flowers. I am lucky to know some oaks, and I know they will be there for me through this rough patch as well as when life gets better. There will be other flowery friends--they make life a little brighter, after all--but I know now that mistaking them for trees will only lead to disappointment. Maybe some friendships just aren't built to last.

How do men define relationships with the women in their lives?

I want a male perspective on something. Imagine the non-related, age-appropriate women that you interact with on a regular basis and presumably like as human beings. How do you define those relationships in terms of dating--or do you? Is it like Off-limits (married), Off-limits (boyfriend-check back later), Platonic friends (unless Armageddon-type scenario), Platonic friends (unless alcohol intakes proves too great), Potential girlfriends (third, second, first choice), Dream girl, etc.? Or am I way off course? I want to crack the code.


Unless there is no code, which is what I fear. Somewhere along the way it became cool to "not want to put labels" on relationships. I believe this has caused a great deal of wasted time by the romantics among us. I personally have great difficulty completely exorcising a crush because for every time I think, "That's the last straw! Obviously he doesn't like me that way," there's always the seed of doubt. I tend to be attracted to men who lean toward the shy side, which makes it easier for me to make excuses for them. If I was only attracted to guys with a more "I know what I want and I go after it" attitude towards romance, I wouldn't have all this confusion. Still, someone has got to help the shy guys successfully date. 

Hey! You're not John Cusack!

I have not been watching The Bachelorette (though I have seen a few clips on The Soup), but I came across a quote in Jennifer Armstrong's Bachelorette recap for Entertainment Weekly:

The thing about wild romantic gestures is they look really embarrassing and dumb unless they come from someone you want to be doing them. Then suddenly they go from stalkery to sweet. (Imagine any guy you don't like doing anything John Cusack has done for love in his various movies. Yep, John Cusack would be a stalker if he weren't John Cusack.)

I suppose that's what makes grand romantic gestures such a gamble. A guy has to know whether or not you see them as John Cusack or... pretty much anyone else. In the meantime, I'd settle for some small romantic gestures: flowers, a mix CD, a handwritten note... In such non-romantic times as these, a guy can score big points pretty easily.

Watch out, brain!

"The study says that the women aged 27-45 have more sexual fantasies than the women aged 18-26."

-From Cougar Sex Decoded: Why Older Women Seek Out Younger Men

I just turned twenty-seven. I don't know if I am horrified to be included in an article about cougars or excited to learn that I am in my prime.

Fictional Romantic Gestures That Have Ruined Me for Ordinary Males #3: Friends

This is a fictional romantic gesture that took years to actually get recognized. Rachel and Monica revisit an old home movie from their prom night. I'm not entirely sure why Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are so enthused to watch this home movie but that's not important. Rachel finally learns that, when it looked like her prom date was a no-show, Ross got all dressed up to go with her. The date showed up, leaving poor Ross looking bereft. Current Ross is clearly uncomfortable reliving this moment, but he is rewarded with a passionate kiss from Rachel.

As Phoebe says, "He's her lobster!" Who doesn't want to find their lobster?

Fictional Romantic Gestures That Have Ruined Me for Ordinary Males #2: The O.C.

I loved The O.C. (2003-2007)

This wonderful television program had it all: witty banter, beautiful people, and lots of punching. They tried for a while to make the show's core couple be Ryan and Marissa, but this was beyond boring. No, it was really all about Seth and Summer: one of the greatest television couples of all time. Summer was a little hesitant about publicly dating Seth, so he made a grand romantic gesture that made my little undergraduate heart flip flop all over the place back in Season 1.

Fictional Romantic Gestures That Have Ruined Me for Ordinary Males #1: Say Anything

So, it's no secret that I love John Cusack. It's also no secret that there are many women out there who share my love of his character in the 1989 film Say Anything, Lloyd Dobler. Why hasn't this inspired more men to be like Lloyd Dobler? That is unclear. Sure, it's hard to pull off a stunt like this. In the wrong light, you might get labeled a stalker. You had better have a record of sweet, earnest, non-creepy behavior to back it up.

At any rate, the boom box over the head gesture is iconic, romantic, and really sets the bar too high for everyone else in the whole world. I apologize for that, but there's not much I can do about it now.

shopping recovery

I just took an on-line survey, and it reminded me how much of a shopper I used to be:

In which, if any, of the following venues have you ever purchased goods such as apparel/accessories, jewelry, beauty product, home décor, electronics and other home goods?

Stores at a mall Outlet malls Online stores Mail order catalogue Boutique/specialty store not found in mall Television Network (TV shopping by phone or on Network’s website) Flea Market/Garage Sale In-home direct sales (a representative comes directly to you or a party of your friends and family to sell products) That's right. Every single answer applies to me because I had no boundaries when it came to shopping. Luckily, I have come a long way. My shopping is now about necessity rather than pleasure--at least for the most part. I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and spent just under $70. When I got home, I broke the receipt up into three major categories. I found that the breakdown ended up being $29 on cat supplies, $22 on health and beauty, and $15 on food. I'm not sure that I want to analyze this too much.

Valentino is my favorite shade of red.

I recently thought of a reason to be good at math; it probably helps you to be a designer. I firmly believe that I would have tried harder in math classes as a child if we could have applied it to, say, designing the perfect pair of red high-heeled pumps. Maybe it wouldn't have done any good, but I wish someone had brought it up. Valentino's Spring collection is full of exquisite rosettes, and it would be much easier to afford them if I was a wealthy fashion designer. I could dream up some brilliant shoes, but I couldn't draw them for you or give you any measurements. Very sad.

Top: "Rosette Peep-Toe Pump" by Valentino $745

Bottom: "Vicky" by rsvp $89

Reincarnation as an inanimate object

Andy Warhol wrote, "It would be very glamorous to be reincarnated as a great big ring on Liz Taylor's finger."

I wonder if Liz ever, very covertly, looks down at her rings and whispers, "Andy? Is that you?"

Weeping for the Silent Film Era

It started with my sister informing me that she was going to see a movie directed by her friend's older brother. She said the name of the film was Cannibal, and I did not join her for the screening because I have an aversion to cannibalism. Yes, most people also share this aversion, but some can possibly tolerate it better than others. I decided to look the movie up on the Internet Movie Database; I did not find it.

Instead IMDB took my brain on a little ride. It suggested the 1918 short documentary film An Ex-Cannibal Carnival as a possible option. I liked this title, and I soon found that director/producer C.L. Chester had a number of interesting titles in his filmography. Favorite titles include: There Is No Santa Clause (1920), Getting Gay with Neptune, (1919) Maid, Mermaids and More Maids (1919), and Up in the Air After Alligators (1919). Who was this C.L. Chester fellow*? The internet has offered me little information, except that his main claim to fame seems to have been a series of short films featuring a monkey named Snooky. I was unable to find even the monkey pictures, so I have little hope that I will ever get to see those reformed cannibals moving on with their lives via a carnival act. Is nothing sacred?

*When referring to a figure from the earlier part of last century, it seems hardly fitting to call him a guy.

Making him work for it...

There is plenty of evidence for some strong feminist eyebrow-raising when it comes to Disney princesses. It's pretty easy to find articles on how the princesses are terrible role models (Ex: feminist critique of Disney princesses). Even so, there is an undeniable appeal. I mean, who doesn't want great hair, a lovely singing voice, and woodland creatures to do one's bidding? I don't think most of the princesses' critics are even denying that it would be cool if a mouse helped with laundry.

The problem is the Disney prince. He gets to save the day. You're following the story of this princess, and the she gets taken out by the villain at the last minute so that the prince can step in. This rarely happens to men, but when it does? They tend to just see it as a lucky break or an "I owe you one" deal. Pulp Fiction comes to mind. Ving Rhames's character is trying to kill Bruce Willis's character, but he ends up getting captured by some racist, sadomasochistic weirdos. This could have just been a lucky break for Bruce, but he goes ahead and saves Ving Rhames, who is then able to confront his captors and make the promise to "go medieval" on their asses. Everyone wins. Maybe the Disney princes should take this lesson into consideration; it is rude not to let a victim have revenge, thus relieving him or her of victim status. I think Snow White could've really sold a line like, "Bitch, killing me won't make your ass any less ugly."

Notice that I don't advise completely taking away the prince's role in the saving of the day. I like to think that, to some extent, the princesses are just making him work for it. How much do you really like me? In reality, there are very few cool ways to prove how into someone you are. It's hard to find ways to literally be a hero. There are very few opportunities for epic battles against evil as a way to prove one's love. I'm not sure I really want to be with someone who wouldn't go through the effort to undo spells or fight dragons. What's he going to do when my car breaks down four hours from home? Is he going to drive the four hours? Because that's what a hero would do. Say what you want about the Disney princes, but none of them would be like, "Can't you call a tow truck and a cab? Yeah, I know it would be expensive, but the game is on!"